#62 : Journal // Draft

I'm back to Dead City and I'm in my room again, finally. I've been up to nothing except playing some games like a loser with no goals in life. One night I got bored so I cleared up my room and found my old journal that I bought from Typo a looonggg time ago. I opened the journal and noticed that I had not finished them all. 

I don't know why I stopped writing, maybe because I got too depressed and couldn't bear to answer the upcoming questions and decided to abandoned it like how I abandon my wellbeing?

Or maybe my fingertips were just too sad.

But then I have a thought of continuing the journal but instead of answering them there in the book, I'll just write and answer them here.

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1. What are struggling with today?

I’m struggling with being. With waking up, facing another day of pretending I’m okay, of trying to keep up when I’m already so far behind. It’s not about laziness or lack of will—it’s about pain. Pain that’s buried deep, pain that still echoes into every part of my present. And some days, it feels like I’m drowning in it, quietly, where no one can see.

2. Are you still lying to yourself about anything?
Yes. I still deny that I'm not the problematic one when people left me. I did good, I helped everyone. But people still take advantage on me. I went beyond my way to help people, but I still get backstabbed. It happen very often that made me think maybe it's me, not them. I still don't know why. I still don’t know why it keeps happening.
So yeah, I’m still lying to myself. Because deep down, I don’t believe I deserve this. But part of me is starting to wonder if I somehow do.

3. Admit something.
I feel bad every time I didn't meet everyone's expectations including mine. And it hurt me so bad that I want to erase my existence from this world. I can't deal with me; still being a loser and I deal with it every day, and every day I feel like a loser and I say I want to kill myself and I don't deserve to be here to myself every time. It hurts when I fail and all I do in life is failing constantly.

4. What are you currently healing from that others don't see?
I’ve lost everything I worked for these past two years—my motivation, my confidence, and the few friendships I thought were real. Recently, I was betrayed by people I trusted, and it hit me harder than I expected. It’s my worst fear come true.
It brought me back to when I was 16 and lost my best friend—the last real friend I had. I spent over a decade without anyone close. When I finally opened up again a few years ago, it happened all over again. That same pain came back, and now it lingers in my mind every day.
I don’t think I’m meant for friendship. Maybe it’s just not for me.

5. Something that still hurts.
Everything. Everything still hurts.

6. Have you ever feel unwanted?
Yes. As a child. As an adult. As a daughter. As a niece. As a cousin. As a student. As a friend. It felt like I was invisible to everyone—like I barely existed. And on the rare chance they did see me, I felt like nothing more than a weight they didn’t want to carry.

7. Ways you want to be loved.
Gently. See beyond my silence. Choose me even when I can't choose myself. Validate my pain. Be consistent. Love me in the moment I feel unlovable. Let me be broken without shame. Make me feel like I'm not a burden. Protect what's fragile in me. Let love feel like safety, not fear. My heart has been shattered thousands of times. I want love to be a soft place to land, not something I brace myself for. I’ve known pain; now I just want peace and love.

8. What do you still need to process?
How the hell things still managed to get fucked, go so wrong when I've been doing them so carefully, mindfully, thoughtfully and I've been trying so hard to do things right. I DON'T FUCKING GET IT. Am I just meant to suffer no matter what I do? Was I put here just to be fucked this bad when I’m doing my absolute best?
I don’t fucking get it. It feels like no matter how hard I try to live carefully, to be good, LIFE JUST KEEPS FUCKING ME UP LIKE IT'S FUCKING PERSONAL!!! 

9. What is something about yourself that makes you want to hide or are ashamed of?

I give people 101% of my energy but I receive 0% back. Believing that there is a purpose in life. That is some stupid behavior and stupid way of thinking.

10. You can meet your dad before you were born. He doesn't know who you are. What would you say to him?

You should never be a father.

You are not built for it. FUCK OFF.

11. If you could apologize to your younger self, what would you tell her?

I wish I could tell you things got better by 30... but the truth is, we’re still not happy. I've tried everything to make us happy. But people still hurt us no matter how good we were to them. I know you hoped the world would get softer, that love would feel safer, that we’d finally be understood.

But the truth is... people will not understand us and we will never understand them. But listen to me, I'm still trying. Forgive me for taking so much pain, it’s for the happiness we haven’t found yet, but still believe is out there. I haven’t given up on you.

Please forgive me for not getting us there yet.

12. A feeling you miss.

Trusting without fears. I miss being able to trust without fear. I miss the feeling of letting someone in without second-guessing every word, every silence, every shift in energy.

Back then, trust was simple. Natural.

Now? It’s a battle. A risk. A quiet panic under every connection.
And I hate that.

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There's still more questions to answer but I think I better save those questions for the next post and now I understand why I stopped writing back then, the questions forced me to remember back my old wounds lmao. I gotta admit one thing though, I kinda picked the questions, IDKY. Maybe I wanted to let out all of my thoughts or maybe I wanted to be true with myself.

I'm going to the clinic tmrw to get a medical check up on my stomach. I have a very unexplainable gut issues.

July 17th, 2025

1:44 AM