#18 : 0233 AM

- Hungry

- Starving

- Can't sleep

- Cold

- Shaking

- Hands trembling

- Tossing and turning

- Repeated the same lullaby

- *off to another world

#17 : Not Alone

At least I am........*some text missing* (read the title)

#16 : Dearest demons

My demons

though quiet,

are 

never silenced.

Calm as

the may be,

they wait

patiently

for

a

reason to wake,

take an overdue

breath,

and

crawl back

to

my ear.

#15 : Silly Us

Soda become vodka. Candies become drugs and pills. Bikes become cars. Kisses turn into sex. Remember when dad's shoulder were the highest place on earth and mom was your hero? Race issues were about who ran the fastest, war was only a card game? The most pain you felt was when you skinned your knees, and goodbye only meant until tomorrow?


And we couldn't wait to grow up.

#14 : (?)

I had to babysit a cute girl in my neighborhood. I was excited as I never did anything like that before. So I said a firm bye to the parents and told the girl, Nynna, to go and sleep since it was 10:00 pm. After around 15 minutes when I went to check on her, I found her making a drawing of a lady in white dress hanging upside down the ceiling. I asked her what she drew, but instead she replied

"She told me to draw this and show it to you."

"Better go and hide, she might be coming for you very soon" I giggled a little, but suddenly I heard the ceiling creak.

I looked into Nynna. She smiled and repeated what I said,

"Better go and hide, she might be coming for you, very, soon" 

#13 : kinda dead, kinda no.

3:50 AM

Something truly odd has been happening in me for weeks now, and I haven't been able to figure what's wrong with me. Don't 'how do you feel?' me, I can't describe how I feel into words. Something in me is broken. Life was OK. I've been relatively okay for the past few months after I came back from the camp. I started to run, work out, trying to be active back, think positively and the worst part is I've got my hopes up again. My weight dropped a bit, in a healthy way and I enjoyed working out too. But lately I found myself keep pushing my ass to work everything out. I don't truly enjoy working out anymore. It feels like I've been forced to do it. And the one who force me is me myself. It seems like an avalanche went off in me. I feel like I've sunken to the lowest ever. My body feels like its turning in to lead. Thoughts of giving up just keep flooding my mind.


I know 'they' don't really go. And now, they are back. I can feel they're creeping back up on me. I can feel it. I can feel them in my chest, I swear to God. They might be laughing their ass very hard at me right now. Sigh, silly me for thinking I am living my "new kind of life" and life's getting better. I thought I was better. I actually am not. It's not. I still am depressed. I skipped my meds for almost 3 to 4 months now. I've been fatigued most of the time lately. I should probably go on antidepressants and antipsychotic but I'm running out of both pills. I am too lazy to go to the clinic and ask for the pills. Mom's busy. Who's gonna drive? I don't drive. I can't drive. Negativities passed through my body and my mind, now they stay and "happily" living in me. And I.. I, I- I look so dead. I feel so dead. I think I am dead. Wait, yes, of course. I am already dead --- inside. I'm not really sure on what to do anymore. I am now at this point of tired of myself. This thing fucked me hard and still. I am not with the system anymore. Not anymore. No longer.


I'm alive.
But this isn't living.

#12 : Demon @ 02:26 PM

Meet my inner demon, Reblacka.

• I awoke.
• I ate too much last night.
• Went to the toilet-- sick tummy.
• I feel sad.
• Regretted what I did.
• I feel so dead.
• I cry a lot.
• I don't really feel sad, just empty.
• I don't have confidence in myself.
• I don't like myself.
• I am scared, why?
• I feel mad, like I could just explode!
• I feel so guilty.
• I can't concentrate.
• I can't remembering things. It's hard.
• I don't want to make decisions - thinking drains me.
• I feel like I'm in a fog.
• I feel so tired. No matter how much I sleep.
• I'm frustrated with everything and everybody.
• I can't feel anything.
• I feel helpless.
• I feel restless.
• I can’t stand on my own feet.
• I feel nervous.
• I feel disorganized.
• My head is spinning.
• I feel self-conscious.
• I can't think straight.
• My brain doesn't seem to work.
• I feel ugly.
• I am ugly.
• Life isn’t worth living.
• My whole body feels slowed down.
• I am not taking care of my appearance.
• My heart pounds, I can't catch my breath.
• I'm losing it this war.
• I feel "different" from everyone else.
• *headaches.
• My tummy hurts.
• My arms and legs hurt.
• I feel nauseous.
• I'm dizzy.
• My vision seems blurred.
• My neck hurts.
• I haven't eat anything, yet.
• Nobody's home.

I used to think that drinking alone was sad. Funny how things change.

#11 : I CAN SEE IT (Letter)

Because believe me, darling. I know that smile. I know what it feels like to reply "I'm good." when someone asks you how you are. But not because you are good, because you are just so used to saying it, that you don't even think about it anymore. You don't even realize the question that's being asked. Your response is just so rehearsed, that it comes out with no effort. Just like that beautiful smile, darling. It breaks your heart to lie to those you love. It's so hard to tell them everything is perfectly fine. But it's even harder to tell them the truth. You don't want to be in such a vulnerable state. You can't handle that kind of pity. But you gotta believe me when I tell you, darling, you are not alone. I'm here for you. I understand that reflection you see every night. The one you don't even recognize anymore. That same smile that you've been wearing for years to fool everyone into thinking that you are fine, has finally fooled you.



Just for that split sec, when you look in the mirror and see that stranger smiling back at you, you believe it. You actually think you just might be happy. But then, your heart starts to hurt, your body starts to ache, your tears starts to flood, and all the memories come back. You are not okay. You are not happy. You are dying from the inside out, and nobody even bothers to notice. You feel like you're alone and your mom has given up on you. But you have to believe me, you are not alone, darling. I'm here. I'm right here holding your hand. I'm rubbing your back as you cry on my shoulder. Even if you can't see me, or hear me, I'm here. And I'm not going anywhere. Because I know what it feels like to throw it all away and say "fuck it!". I know what it feels like to think "I'm not worth it. Nobody cares about me. Everyone leaves. So it's my turn. I'm going to be the one to leave this time, and leave them hurting and alone". But darling, you are so incredibly worth it.



Your life matters to me. Even if we've never talked, or if I don't even know your name. But I'm here for you. I care about you, and I don't want you to go anywhere. Maybe I'm your best friend, maybe I'm your babysitter or your father that's never home. I care about you, and I don't want you to go anywhere. I know it's tough, darling, but hang in there. Do it for me.



From you inner demon,
RS tein.
Get ready for some plot twist.
Remember to not trust anyone, including yourself.

#10 : Hard Cry

The worst type of crying is when your lips start to shake and tears build up quickly and fall fast. You are bent over or crouched trying to suck it in and not make any noise but it hurts too much to hold it in so you let out a yelp and a cry then comes the loss of breath which sucks because not only you are crying out loud but you think you sound dumb for not breathing too. It's just a mess. Sadness is like a drug. It takes you away from reality; and makes you see it in a whole new way.

#9 : 3 Funniest Thing

1. The funniest thing about religious people is when they look at the non-religious people, they will always look at the negative side first.

2. The funniest thing about religious people who call me satanic is they believe in satan, I don't.

3. The funniest thing about most hijabi girls today is they look down to the non hijabis, and assume the non-hijabis as "Women from Hell".

#8 : Game

RANDOM:
001. Name: I go by the name of Zazo
002. Nickname: Yazo // Llama.
003. Status: 6 years single (2009 - present).
004. Zodiac sign: Pisces.
005. Male or Female: Female.
006. Elementary school: Not telling.
007. Middle school: Not telling.
008. High school: Not telling.
009. Smart: Analytical.
010. Hair color: Black+Brown ombré.
011. Tall or short: 5'4 (163 cm) = average.
012. Loud or quiet: Quiet.
013. Sweats or jeans: Both.
014. Phone or camera: Camera.
015. Health freak: Opposite (It's actually yes)
016. Drink or smoke: Smoke.
017. Do you have a crush on someone: currently H.
018: Eat or drink: Both.
019: Piercings: Ears. 3 on left, 2 on right.
020: Tattoos: Clean.
021: Food you dislike: High calories foods.
022: Right or left-handed: Right-handed.


FIRSTS:
023. Piercings: Around 7 or 8 years old.
024. Best friend: I don't believe in friendship.
025. Award: 6 years old & 11 years old.
026. Crush: Capital A.
027. Pet: Cats.
028. Big vacation: Never.
029. Concert: Never.
030. Big birthday: Never.
031. Big fight: I fought a lot, can't recall.
032. Sport: Fencing.
033. Enemy: Self loathing voices.
034. Phobia: Big ass flying bug named Beringin.
035. Celebrity idol: Lizzy Plapinger, Matthew Healy, Alex Turner & MØ.
036. Clique: None.
037. Bad impressions: Typical minded guy.


CURRENTLY:
038. Eating: None.
039. Drinking: Isotonic drink.
040. Listening to: The Veronicas - Untouched.
041. About to: Rub my head & my face.
042. Waiting for: The next song(shuffle mode on)
043. Wearing: Black short boxer & sleeveless gold+cream colored shirt.
044. Worried about: Everything(death, future, life, teeth)
045. Loving: My blog(ha ha)
046. Missing: Psychology camp.
047. Planning for today: Workout.


FIRST THING THAT COMES TO MIND:
048. College: Nursing college.
049. Silk: Giselle.
050. Cupid: Cupid from 1 valentine movie I watched alone during last year Valentine.
051. Pickle: McDonald's / Mayor from The Power Puff Girls (both came together)
052. Penny: Sepet.
053. Stop: The pain / Stop sign (both came together)
054. 777: 666.
055. Guam: Peguam / Court (Lawyer).
056. Banana: Dry sandwich.
057. Debt: Grandma.


YOUR FUTURE:
058. Want kids: Yes (not that sure)
059. Want to get married: Yes (not that sure)
060. Carriers in mind: It's too ambitious I feel embarrassed.


WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE DESIRED SEX?:
061. Lips or eyes: Lips.
062. Hugs or kisses: Kisses.
063. Shorter or Taller: Both.
064. Romantic or spontaneous: Both.
065. Nice stomach or nice arms: Nice stomach.
066. Sensitive or loud: Both.
067. Hook-up or relationship: Relationship.
068. Older or younger: Older. I have dad issues.
069. Richer or poorer: Richer.
070. Smart or witty: Smart.
071. Trouble maker or hesitant: None of these two.
072. High maintenance or plain: High maintenance.
073. Glasses or contacts: I prefer glasses.
074. Rigid or moody: None of these two.
075. Lots of friends or no friends: No friends.


HAVE YOU EVER:
076. Kissed a stranger: No.
077. Lost glasses/lenses: No.
078. Forgotten a password: Yes, yes and yes.
079. Blacked out: Yes.
080. Broken someone’s heart: Yes.
081. Been arrested: No.
082. Seen a monster: Ah, you mean humans?
083. Ran away from home: Nearly.
084. Felt like dying: Everyday (since 2007)
085. Killed an animal: Yes.
086. Cheated: Yes.
087. Cried when someone died: Yes, on 2012 (not yet moving on from her death)


DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
088. God: Yes
089. Yourself: On the fence.
090. Miracles: Yes.
091. Love at first sight: Yes.
092. Heaven: Yes.
093. Santa claus: No.
094. Fairies: No.
095. Kiss on the first date: No.
096. Angels: Yes.


ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
097. Is there one person you want to be with right now: Capital H.
098. Are you seriously happy with where you are in life: Seriously no.
099. Is superman really better than batman: Both sucks.

#7 : I Think It's Time!

I think it's time for me to get out and make some friends!

(I said the same thing 3 months ago)

I think it's time for me to start eating right!

(Binged and threw everything out after done eating)

I think it's time for me to sleep earlier!

*falls asleep at 8 a.m*

I think it's time for me to start work out!

*about to giving up*

I think it's time for me to start writing a book!

(Tried many times. Stopped halfway)

I think it's time for me to stop overthinking!

*over think about every damn thing, every secs, every mins, every hours, every day, every night*

I think it's time for to be a new person!

(Can't even get up from bed)

#6 : 11 PM

11:07 PM
"I describe my life as an hourglass, quickly running out. Sigh, silly life."

11:11 PM
"In deep need to escape my current life!"

11:18 PM
"My life is just... not turning out as I planned."

11:25 PM
"I am fairly unhappy with everything."

11:30 PM
"You are gonna be fine :)"

11:32 PM
"Need to change. Need to change."

11:33 PM
"But.., look at me."

11:35 PM
"I must respect myself. I must respect my feeling."

11:40 PM
"Missing piece"

11:41 PM
"Wake up, you helpless fuck"

11:46 PM
"Dear Lord, please get these things out from my head"

11:50 PM
"I'm tired. Need to rest."

#5 : Nights in June

I found back my diary. Here what I wrote throughout June, 2014.

June, 2014.
(late night around 12am - 5am)

June 1st : Cried.

June 2nd : Cried.

June 3rd : Almost cried.

June 4th : Didn't cry.

June 5th : Didn't cry.

June 6th : I cried. I cried. I cried.

June 7th : Cried. Very, hard.

June 8th : Cried.

June 9th : Didn't cry.

June 10th : Cried.

June 11th : Cried.

June 12th : Didn't cry.

June 13th : Cried.

June 14th : Didn't cry.

June 15th : Didn't cry.

June 16th : Didn't cry.

June 17th : Didn't cry.

June 18th : Cried.

June 19th : Cried.

June 20th : Cried.

June 21st : Cried.

June 22nd : Cried.

June 23rd : Didn't cry.

June 24th : Didn't cry.

June 25th : Cried.

June 26th : Cried.

June 27th : Cried.

June 28th : Cried.

June 29th : Collapsed.

June 30th : Collapsed.

My cry schedule.

Signed,

Z.

#4 : Late Night Letter

I know you want to die, darling.

I see it in your eyes.

I see it in your wrists, arms,

your stomach, hips

and

thigh.

But please never try, dear.

Now that would be a waste.

Of a lovely soul,

Compelling eyes

And a very pretty inner-self.

#3 : Lost

Right now:

I am on my bed, lost with a million thoughts in my mind. These thoughts are draining my energies away. They are driving me insane. They are killing me.

....
I'm lost in sadness.
I even in love to be in this place.

#2 : Not alive, not dead.

Yazo :

"What is our life all about?"

Yizo :

"Lol are we even fucking alive?"

#1 : Chapter 1

This is sure not my first blog. I have my 'official' blog but it seems like too official for me. I can't express my feelings there cuz' I've followed too many bloggers(I followed them because they followed me first).

Since nobody know about this site, I think this is the right place for me to express my real self and write/record what am I doing everyday. And also to express what's on my mind so my extreme thoughts won't stuck in my head and drive me crazy.

Adios!

;)